2011: A million miles a million miles

I haven't been here since February. Everything and nothing has changed since then. 2011 was a really rough year for me. I was laid-off from a pretty good job in March, and it's been a struggle ever since. My body weary.

Since March I've gone on more than a dozen interviews, been offered one job that I declined and been rejected from everything else. I did have a wonderful summer position that I really enjoyed, but when that ended it was back to square one. It's been a nonstop job search for most the years and it's been hell. I've been lazy and depressed. I've gained even more weight. I'm still forever alone with no end in sight. I just can't seem to get it right.

It seems so easy for other people, and I just can't get it right. And that's almost entirely my fault. I'm not a victim, I just seem to incapable. When I was young, I was a real star. I still super fat, but I was bright and very accomplished. Now, 31 and single, it's nothing.

So I'm sad tonight. And that's fine. But tomorrow is another day. There's still a lot of life left. I don't want to be bed ridden forever. I don't want to be dead. So tomorrow, Jan 2, 2012, I try again. And try to close the gap a little more from where I am now to where I want to be.

February: Exercise month

About 5 days into February, I made a little decision to concentrate on exercise this month. While losing weight is a huge priority, what I really need to do at moment is gain back some the fitness level that I lost. Being physically fit is a goal for me, and while I'm not preternaturally athletic, years of dance classes has made body movement important. I like to be active when it doesn't hurt. I like to jump and bend and stretch when I'm not impeded by weakness of fatness. Also, my blood pressure is a little high and I can't have that. I'm too young for that nonsense.

I did a long workout at the gym on Saturday night (forever alone), but skipped on Sunday, which was purely out of laziness. I couldn't go on Monday because I had this work function to attend, but I did finally hurl myself out of my bed at 8:30 last night to do 45 minutes on the elliptical while watching The Biggest Loser. It feels good to be a little sore today, but I know doing the elliptical really isn't that much exercise. I'm getting a bonus check soon. I attend to take that little amount of money and go and hire a personal trainer. I can't really afford it, but I know it's something I have to do. I'll let you know how it goes.

The Winter of My Discontent

This is the winter of my discontent. I’m sad and lonely, and I’ve given up in a lot of ways. You know what? Sometimes it’s just too damn hard. The anxiety of being 30 and single. The staleness of a job. The lack of new people in my life. The total lack of excitement. I’m so fucking bored! And why the hell should I go to the gym when it doesn’t mean a damn thing. It doesn’t fucking work. Going to the gym doesn’t fucking work. But I’m so freaking fat. You should see me. I look like Jabba the Hut. I look ridiculous. I’m short, but my stomach sticks out to.......................................................................here. It’s gross. I’m gross. And I just refuse to budge! I don’t want to be active. I just want to hole up in my dreary studio in my bed reading and watching tv. It’s SHAMEFUL how little I move. I need to reconnect with my body, but I’m too terrified of my body to go near it. If that makes any sense at all. If I’m in control of my life, then why can’t I do the fucking simplest most basic things that I want to do! I don’t know. I’m confused and a little loss. But since I’m not going to kill myself, then I really I don’t have a choice. I just have to fucking do it. Somehow.

It’s silly, but my wonderful dad sends out the daily message texts. A few days ago he sent, “Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.” --Thomas Kempis. A poignant little statement that did make feel a little easier towards some people in my life, but I still don’t feel absolved. I’m terrified. I’m terrified that I won’t ever lose the weight.

SET BACK!

I don't know. I'm back to 241. I don't know what to think. Is this real weight or bloat or what? I do know that my diet hasn't been amazing, but I'm positive I'm hitting under 1800 calories. That shouldn't mean that I gain weight! Well, I know I'll go to the gym tonight, and be good about my diet today, maybe that will show up tomorrow. I'm just so frustrated with all of this!

Time to get my panic in check

Yesterday started off rough. I was up almost half a pound, which was a little disconcerting. Look, I know that weight just naturally fluctuates anyway, and mine certainly does. I also went out to dinner with friends since the starting this here project. I kept my alcohol to two glasses of wine. I was ravenous when I ordered, so I had the brisket sandwich -- so good, but even after just this short time it was too rich and fatty. My stomach was upset later. I had french fries on the side, and I have to boast that I barely touched them. I had a few, and was able to leave a good 90% on the table. That was nice. I never thought that dieting had to be all or nothing. But I am seeing that I have a lot more room in my diet to eat healthier, or at least with less calories.

Anyway, I'm back to 239. I have no plans for dinner any time soon, so I hope to see a loss over the weekend. Especially since I'm planning to hit the gym!

It's getting a bit harder

Today was a bad food day. I ate about 1400 calories, which is fine, but my rations were all off. Not nearly enough protein, so I'm super hungry. It's weird though. Even though I'm hungry, I'm really craving anything. I live in the East Village, some of the best food in the world is just right outside my door. I could just run across the street to the deli for ice cream and chips. But I don't want that. I'm not itching for something. I just need to get over the hunger pangs. You know?

I still haven't been working out. There's not really any excuse other than laziness. I just hate it so much. It's so boring! I'd rather be doing anything else. But I know that I need to do it if I really want to drop the weight. I don't know. Maybe I'm just feeling a little down today. 

Still heading downwards...

239 this morning. I'll take it. Thank you body to responding to a calorie deficit. Thank you mind and will for refusing extra slices of pizza and cannoli. That's a life change. Mere weeks ago I wouldn't have gorged myself, but I would have had two slices of pizza and dessert since it's being offered for free and all. But no, I stayed diligent. One slice and a small piece of chocolate instead of a creamy fat-filled dessert. I'm grateful to myself.

On the other hand, I am getting a bit impatient. It took me 5 days to lose 1 pound. That seems like pretty slow progress. Obviously, I need to step up the exercise. I've been pretty still lately. I'm sure more exercise will speed up the process. But there's nothing wrong with trying to get my eating in line first.