SET BACK!

I don't know. I'm back to 241. I don't know what to think. Is this real weight or bloat or what? I do know that my diet hasn't been amazing, but I'm positive I'm hitting under 1800 calories. That shouldn't mean that I gain weight! Well, I know I'll go to the gym tonight, and be good about my diet today, maybe that will show up tomorrow. I'm just so frustrated with all of this!

Time to get my panic in check

Yesterday started off rough. I was up almost half a pound, which was a little disconcerting. Look, I know that weight just naturally fluctuates anyway, and mine certainly does. I also went out to dinner with friends since the starting this here project. I kept my alcohol to two glasses of wine. I was ravenous when I ordered, so I had the brisket sandwich -- so good, but even after just this short time it was too rich and fatty. My stomach was upset later. I had french fries on the side, and I have to boast that I barely touched them. I had a few, and was able to leave a good 90% on the table. That was nice. I never thought that dieting had to be all or nothing. But I am seeing that I have a lot more room in my diet to eat healthier, or at least with less calories.

Anyway, I'm back to 239. I have no plans for dinner any time soon, so I hope to see a loss over the weekend. Especially since I'm planning to hit the gym!

It's getting a bit harder

Today was a bad food day. I ate about 1400 calories, which is fine, but my rations were all off. Not nearly enough protein, so I'm super hungry. It's weird though. Even though I'm hungry, I'm really craving anything. I live in the East Village, some of the best food in the world is just right outside my door. I could just run across the street to the deli for ice cream and chips. But I don't want that. I'm not itching for something. I just need to get over the hunger pangs. You know?

I still haven't been working out. There's not really any excuse other than laziness. I just hate it so much. It's so boring! I'd rather be doing anything else. But I know that I need to do it if I really want to drop the weight. I don't know. Maybe I'm just feeling a little down today. 

Still heading downwards...

239 this morning. I'll take it. Thank you body to responding to a calorie deficit. Thank you mind and will for refusing extra slices of pizza and cannoli. That's a life change. Mere weeks ago I wouldn't have gorged myself, but I would have had two slices of pizza and dessert since it's being offered for free and all. But no, I stayed diligent. One slice and a small piece of chocolate instead of a creamy fat-filled dessert. I'm grateful to myself.

On the other hand, I am getting a bit impatient. It took me 5 days to lose 1 pound. That seems like pretty slow progress. Obviously, I need to step up the exercise. I've been pretty still lately. I'm sure more exercise will speed up the process. But there's nothing wrong with trying to get my eating in line first. 

Yikes! Having a tough moment

So I'm working all night on Elections coverage. I don't mind that, but it's wrecking havoc on my diet. Today has been my worst eating day so far. I had Liberte yogurt this morning, which is practically a dessert. I have schwarma pita for lunch, plenty of calories there. Then I had a small salad with a tbsp of caesar dressing, and a pretty small slice of pepperoni pizza. That's all fine, but I also had two high-calorie piece of chocolate and macadamia nut candy. That's about 280 calories in just a few tiny bites. I'm at about 1430 calories. But I haven't even gotten to the hard part. There's cannoli here. Cannoli! I want it bad! I'm still pretty hungry. A part of me just want to give, who likes self-punishment? I never said I was ascetic.

But y'all, I gotta get this weight off, pronto! This is no joke. If not now, when? All my skinny friends are pairing off, and I want that too. I would LOVE to be a fats with a husband, but that doesn't seem to be working out for me. Ugh. Back to work.

ETA: I resisted the cannoli! I feel like Jennifer Connely at the end of Labrynth when she looks at the Goblin King and defiantly says, "You have no power over me."

Morning check-in

I'm under the 240s. That feels good. The 240s were my highest weight ever. I'm glad that I didn't stay in them for long. I was around 225 for many months, and then hovered around 235 for months until I exercised my ass back down to 225. That took almost a year! Not a big diet change, but lots and lots of spin class. The 240s were a shocker. I weighed 242 on 10/1 at my doctor's office. I have to go back at the beginning of December and it's be nice to be about 10 pounds less. That means losing about 7 more pounds this month -- including Thanksgiving. It's going to be tough.

What I ate today

Liberte Medditerean Greek Yogurt is shockingly delicious. It tastes like a decadent dessert. To my surprise it is. It's made with cream. Did you hear that? Cream! I can't be eating too much of yummy yummy tastiness. Looks like it's back to Siggi's for me. Ha! Yeah, right. As if I have the money for Siggi's. Perhaps I can scrape a few pennies for some Dannon Light and Fit.

I'm remembering those little high school tips I mentioned earlier. Tonight I bought a can of veggie chili for dinner. I poured about a third of it over a baked potato. Lots of fiber, protein, and carbs but few calories. I get the satiety and warmth of comfort food from an extremely healthy low-calorie meal.

I had a chicken schwarma pita for lunch. I'm guessing that's about 550 calories? Maybe 4 ozs of chicken, and smallish pita, a spoonful of hummus, lettuce and cucumber. The warm chicken and bread feels indulgent, but it's really not too bad.

That's about 1330 calories for me according to SparkPeople. I also had once slice of Wasa crispbread and tbsp on hummus. I tried to be honest as I can, but I can't help but feels that's a low-ball figure. Still, this really hasn't been that hard. There have been moments of hunger and craving, but nothing overwhelming. Nothing to make me give in.  I did have a fun-size Butterfinger on Halloween, but that's been about it. So far this is working.

A New Scale

Hi! So my trusty scale that I've had for the past several years conked out on me a few days ago. I just ran to K-Mart to upgrade. I'm apparently at 240.4 pounds. I was nervous that my old scale had been under-reporting my weight since it broke, but the new scale numbers seems to be right in line with numbers I had been getting. A 4 pound loss in a week. That's probably more than I have ever lost in a week in my life. If I can keep that up I'll be thrilled.

In the prime mental and physical space known as the zone

Finishing out the day at about 1350 calories as far as I can tell. I'm pretty sure that's close to the actual number. This week really hasn't been that hard. Sure, I've been hungry, but it's not been that bad. And I've certainly haven't felt a bit of light headedness or tiredness. I'm not starving myself. I hope I can keep this up. I hope I don't slip.

I'm not doing anything crazy tonight, but tomorrow is Halloween and we're going out big. Lots of drinking I bet. I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow and stick with low-calorie cocktails, but at about 100 calories per drink I have to be careful.

Don't Call it a Step Back!

I'm a half pound heavier today. I'm not stressed about it. Could have been that bowl of Kashi cereal last night after my light dinner of not-so-good sushi. Or it could be nothing but water weight. I still feel lighter in my body, and I'm still shocked by my results this week.

I had the most amazing lunch today. The cafe called it turkey-chili potpie, but it was better than it sounds. The chili was delicious, and the topping wasn't a pie pastry, but a sweet cornbread. So good! SparkPeople guessed it to be about 600 calories. That's about all I've had to eat today, and I still have to figure out dinner. I suppose I'll run to grocery store and pick-up some chicken or fish and roast some brocolli. Have you ever had roasted brocolli? No lie: it's a revelation. Try Ina Garten's recipe (pictured above). Eat it now, thank me later!

Measuring calories: Why is it so damn hard?

I'm using SparkPeople to keep a food journal. I'm wondering how accurate it is. The product information is correct as far as I can tell, but I'm nervous about unpackaged food portion size. Did I eat 3 tablespoons of balsamic vinaigrette dressing? How many red beans were in my salad, a fourth of a cup or a half a cup? I'm not sure. I actually feel like it was less than that, but I don't want to under report. Anyway, I don't want to get to obsessive about this. Journaling should just be used as a guideline. It's best to be used as a tool for conscious eating--awareness. I've always found it to be necessary for me to lose weight, and experts do point to it as a necessity.

Let's be honest. It's joyless and tedious. It takes out a lot of the joy of eating. At best it appeals to the geekier side of me. I can never keep it up for longer than a month. I'm determined this time around to be more consistent.

A Pound of Flesh

I have never in my life lost 4 pounds in a week before. Normally, I can barely lose that much in month. This is remarkable. It feels good to want something, work for it, and achieve it. Well, it always feels good to do that no matter what the goal. But with weight loss it seems like I want it, work for it, and achieve next to nothing. I'm happy about this, but I'm realistic as well. This rate can't go on much longer -- I know that it's as high as it is because I have a lot to lose. I'm ready for the effort. I'm willing to work just like so many other overweight Americans. I willing to work if it works. 

Wait. Fatties Are on TV Now!!!! The Outrage!

This blog post from journalist Maura Kelly is getting a lot of internet play, Should Fatties Get a Room? (Even on TV). Kelly says all of these vile cruel things about how she's disgusted by obese people, "I think I'd be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other and they shouldn't be on tv" etc.

It's shocking in it's insensitivity and tone-deafness.  Jezebel has a great take-down of it here.

I don't care about Kelly's hatred of fat people. She sounds mentally unwell and obsessed with thinness. If she wants to live that angst and hate everyday in her life then so be it. She's judgemental, smug, and mean. She's shown who she is and she can never take that back. And while her apology sounds relatively heartfelt I certainly don't believe it. She meant every word she said. Those are her feelings.

What I personally hate about this article is the severe condescension in the weight-loss advice. "...Eat more fresh and unprocessed foods, read labels and avoid foods with any kind of processed sweetener...get some kind of exercise for 30 minutes at least five times a week." Are you fucking kidding me with this? Really, Maura? Rilly? Eat less, move more. That's your advice that no one's asked for. It's that kind of reductive bullshit that just kills me. You think half of America is overweight just because they've never heard of your fucking tidbits? You don't think there's more complex reasons for obesity in America? 

A Slightly Wary Pat on the Back

I don't know how much I trust the few pounds I've lost since Monday. They look a little suspicious in their hoodies and dark sunglasses. Is it water weight? Am I going to see a major rebound in just a day or two? Still, it feels good to see actual progress from my efforts. I don't mind doing the work. I like to be fit and I like to eat healthy, but it would be nice to finally see some results from my efforts.

It's only day 3, but here's what may be making the difference: I'm on mega-doses of Vitamin D, as prescribed by my doctor. Apparently, I'm severely Vitamin D deficient. I've recently read that your calcium levels affect your ability to lose weight, and obviously we need Vita D to process calcium. Just maybe that has something to do with my success. We'll see.

The Hunger Games

OK. I think I'm off to a good start, which is better than a lot of my starts.

Listen, I believe in a balance of healthy and indulgent eating. Eat healthy as much as you can, but if want a cookie eat a damn cookie. I'm not here to tell anyone how to live. But I have to face a very harsh truth: If I eat like a normal person, then I'm fat. I have a fat body. I wish I could make my peace with that, but I still want to try to lose weight, and to do that I have to be hungry. According to Spark People, I ate about 1250 calories yesterday and about 1400 today. I'm hungry! It's strange how some days I can handle hunger and some days I can't. There is a sick game to it.

I also did about an hour of cardio today.  I hope to see results on the scale tomorrow. The cardio did not go well. I use to be in pretty good shape, but I found that my heart rate was super elevated even just on the elliptical and walking. Sheesh.

I'd really like to see some significant weight loss by the time I go home for Thanksgiving. I know my parents are going to be disappointed if I don't.

Siggi's Icelandic Yogurt Is Gross

Yo, this junk is nasty. I love Greek yogurt. It's wonderful. I was sure I'd love this Icelandic yogurt as well, especially considering how exorbitant the price is. It's gross. It's grainy and too thick, which makes it hard to swallow. I like plain yogurt, but this is a combo of too bitter and sour. I'll give it one more shot and let you know if it's any better. Maybe the flavor I had is just particularly bad.

My unrelated story about Iceland: I studied abroad in Spain and met a friend named Aubjork. Such a cool girl.

Day 2: How I Lost Wait Then...But Not Now

To all my Fatties: Do you ever feel like you're too well-adjusted to lose weight? Let me explain. When I was 16, I went from 208 pounds to 147 pounds mostly through severe calorie restriction. I starved myself. I can remember having a no breakfast, a plain baked potato for lunch, and just a small dinner portion. Man, that was great. It was so easy! I had a disordered eating mindset that made it so easy to not eat. The weight just fell off. As always, I'd gained it all back and then some by the time I was a senior in college.

After I got over my teen angst I became the person that my parents raised me to be. Strong, confident, independent and thoroughly well-adjusted. Even though I'm still desperate to lose the weight I can't get back that starvation mindset. I'm too damn mentally healthy.* I don't want to punish myself. I don't want to hate myself. And yet, years of experience tells me that's the only way my body is capable of losing a substantial amount of weight. Yikes! Well, I can't go back. I'm almost twice as old as my high school junior self. But I do need to make some major changes. 

I'm going to try and relive some of those high school habits. I'll let you know what's working and what's not.

*I want to be clear. My gratitude towards my mental, emotional and physical health is palpable and unbound. My mind and body are sound and whole and that above all else trumps any bullshit weight issues.

Being fat at the doctor's office

Now that I have health insurance, I've started seeing a new physician, Dr. B. She's fine. Small, Asian and very sweet. But either she's a touch dumb or she thinks I am. Hey lady, I know that MSG is a type of sodium. I know that I should eat breakfast. And I've put tremendous hours into the gym, so I don't need to be told that I can just start with walking on the treadmill. You walk on the treadmill. I'll be in spin class. You'll learn quickly that I don't like to be told Lose Weight 101 advice. I've already got the Masters and I'm well on my way to a Ph.D. I'm asking you for REAL advice. Anyway, I may have a thyroid problem. We'll see.

Intoduction: I don't even!

I don't even know what to say anymore. I'm 30. I'm fat. I've always been fat. I may always be fat. But here goes another attempt to try to take a load off. I'll give you a glimpse into the hidden underbelly (see what I did there?) of my fat angst. Can you be into fat acceptance and still want to lose weight? Does this dress make me look pregnant? Do I want a man that doesn't appreciate me for what I look like now? The answers to these measly questions and so much more to come. I don't know what exactly this blog will turn into yet. All I know is that I'd like to lose weight. Come along, will you?